My husband and I had the opportunity to give a baby shower for our brother and sister in love. To most that attended it was just that, a baby shower, but for me it was the halfway mark on a healing journey to overcome a decision that has haunted me for the past 6 years.
In 2011 Josh and I had to make the toughest decision in our marriage up until that point. We had to choose if my life was more needed than the life of our unborn child. For my husband it wasn’t a choice, he chose his wife’s life and with the support of the elders of our family’s, we proceeded to terminate our pregnancy.
Not to long thereafter my sister in love received news that she was pregnant with her first child. I openly claimed my happiness for her but on the inside I was jealous. It brought back the realization that I would never be able to carry another child. I would never be able to provide my husband with another child that shared his bloodline and it hurt.
Throughout her pregnancy I was pretty much absent. I could not bring myself to be around her. After she delivered my precious nephew it took months before I was able to even hold him. Eventually his cute self won me over and God used him to heal a piece of my heart but it also made me AWARE of the battle in my mind.
For the last six years of my life, I silently suffered with the shame and guilt of a hefty decision and battled against the spirit of depression as it tried to take over my mind. Some months ago, my sister in love called me to tell me she was yet again expecting, but this time it was twins. I was very happy (and scared) for her, but almost immediately the devil began to arouse the feelings of jealousy and shame that I had buried deep within.
I came home and I shared with my husband for the first time about the battle I was having and how deep it ran. He was blown away that this was the first time I was sharing this with him but we prayed and we trusted God. One day while getting ready for work, I was in the bathroom and God began to speak to me. He said to me that it was time for me to get in the ring and win this battle. I was going to have to lift my head and face my opponent head on. I would win some rounds and I would lose others but the victory would be mine….if I trusted him. He then told me that I needed to let my sister in love know that Josh and I wanted to throw them a baby shower. We had to do it together because although Josh didn’t express his pain, he felt it as well, but it hurt him more to watch me hurting and suffering. Through my healing, would come his. This baby shower needed to be beautiful, as if I was planning my own baby shower. So I did.
The devil threw some good punches and at one point he almost had me down for the count but I could hear God whispering in my ear, your peace depends on this round, your healing depends on this round, your family’s healing depends on this round, the person whose healing is attached to your truth depends on this round. I dug deep and I got back on my feet. The baby shower was a success.
Last night I turned to my husband and realized that my heart and my mind were at peace. Sincere peace and I felt good, exhausted, but good. I shared this moment with all of you because depression, guilt and shame is real. There are many of us that look well put together, are saved, have purpose and a holy anointing from God, but we are still suffering and in need of healing. I can’t tell you that God has brought me through some things but never tell you what those things are. To Love ME is to know ME. Everything I do, I do with purpose. It is derived from a place of familiarity. I share this for those of us that have had to make a decision that has brought us shame.
Those of us who have been judged by others without them understanding that we are still nursing open wounds. Those of us who suffer with a form of mental illness and/or depression. I’m here to let you know that there is a man who doesn’t judge us. He doesn’t think that the things we are silently suffering from are small or unimportant. He is simply waiting for us to admit we need help and then ask for it. Be encouraged.