My mother was addicted to drugs and was in and of incarceration due to petty crimes. When I was about 5 years old, I was removed from my birth mothers home by the Department of Children’s and Family (DCF). When I was found by DCF, I had been beaten to the point of being unrecognizable and severely molested. I lived in a hospital for a few months until I was well enough to be released and placed into a foster family. At the age of 6 years old, while still in foster care, I was molested by the son of the family babysitter. As the years went on, I blocked the memories of being molested out of mind. I wanted to live a normal life.
At 16yrs old I lost my virginity. I had never had any urges to have sexually encounters prior to losing my virginity. Although I was only 16, my body had matured into what looked like the body of a grown women. It often caused me to acquire a lot of unwanted attention. The gentleman that I experienced my first sexual encounter with was not even aware that I was a virgin. I remember us having sex, it hurt, I wasn’t mentally present, it was finished, and I got up and ran home. I never spoke to him again. I saw him often, but I wouldn’t allow him to ever touch me again. He did not molest me, it was completely consensual, but the experience made me feel uncomfortable.
From the time I lost my virginity, to the time I met my husband, I experienced various sexual relationships. I realized somewhere along the way that I could enjoy sex as long as I was in control. I controlled with whom, when, how, and how many times. When I met my husband, that all changed. My husband desired the parts of me that I withheld from previous partners, and I wanted to give him just that. But there was an issue. As he pushed me to explore parts of my inner self that I had buried so many years ago, it resurrected painful memories that were also buried. He would touch me and I would tense up and get stiff. He would kiss me in a certain place and I would flinch. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to let go and explore with him this new found desire, I just honestly couldn’t. The parts that he desired were the parts that had been taken from me many years before and I didn’t know how to take them back. One night while in the midst of a love making session, I began to cry. Of course he immediately asked me what was wrong. I finally broke down and explained to him that sometimes when we made love I had flashbacks of being molested. That when he was on top of me I didn’t feel like I was in control. That I was in a mental fight in mind to stay in the present but often times the past won. I couldn’t let myself truly become one flesh with the man that I called my King and I was ashamed. So what happens next? How do you fix this? The bible says in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 that the husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In other words, I have no control. My husband, being the true King that he is, saw it differently. He chose to use his authority over my body as a way to further teach me the depth of his love for me. He began to prepare me for the journey of rediscovering those buried parts. He would talk me through every step. Before he would kiss me in a new place he would tell me what he was going to do and his touch would be ever so gentle. He would whisper how much he loved me in my ear. We began to talk afterwards about how each touch felt but more importantly how it made me feel. If I didn’t like it, he wouldn’t do it. If he could make the experience better, he did. He allowed me to have authority over what had been stolen from me.
As woman, we often don’t allow ourselves to lose control. We want to control every aspect of our lives out of fear of the unknown. The problem is when we attempt to control the atmosphere, we miss the collateral beauty. I call my husband a King because he provides me with protection and security. He treats me with consideration and respect and he’s careful not to be harsh with me. As Genesis 3:16 states, I have a desire for my husband that borders on disease. Because my husband recognizes this desire, he treats me with wise gentleness in all aspects of our love life and marriage.